If it weren’t for Vine, today’s gays would have to find someone else to project their internalized homophobia on by speculating about their sexuality. Sure, we have Vine to blame for Logan Paul and David Dobrik, but we also got Shawn Mendes out of the experience. Jen Psaki could still express contempt for the needs of everyday Americans in under six seconds, and imagine how convenient it will be for our local police departments to keep us informed – those body cams are only ever on long enough to record six seconds of misconduct anyway. Also, it would be so much easier to know who Tati Westbrook is fighting with if the apology videos were that short. Euphoria could include the entire plot of one of their episodes in a Vine. Taylor Swift could be all like, Bring Back Vine (Taylor’s Version) (Six-Second Version). We could still post thirst traps and puns in under six seconds, and viral dances would be a lot easier to learn. We can expect only good things from this collective action. It wouldn’t be the exact same experience, but we could get pretty close. And they couldn’t do anything to stop us! We could all post exclusively six-second videos on TikTok, Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook (if anyone is still on it). Literally, nobody could stop us from just fucking pretending every social media app is Vine. We don’t need minute-long videos and paragraphs of text, nor Spaces or Stories or Groups to do all that – just six seconds and vibes.
Alternatively, consider the benefits of a more likely scenario in which we take those eight hours a day and spend it watching 86,400 six-second Vines. Imagine all the time we could save if everything was six seconds. My iPhone’s screentime report averages a horrendous eight hours a day or more some weeks. Maybe I’d even watch the “Is that a weed?!” Vine and be like yeah kinda, but it’s an edible, so it’s like, weed, but not “a weed” and then I’d remind myself that I’ve seen this particular Vine at least a hundred times and that’s literally the joke. If I could lay on the couch watching the same Vine loop over and over as my edible hits, maybe I’d forget that the entire world is shit right now. In the biz, that’s what we call “evergreen content.” Even the “two bros chillin’ in the hot tub five feet apart cuz they’re not gay” meme made its rounds again recently on the bird app. These cultural mainstays defined a generation. Nobody has done anything with a phone and the internet as funny as America, Explain! or Fre Sh A Vacado.
Now, the best we have is poorly-curated Vine compilations on YouTube. After disabling uploads and archiving its contents, the sociopaths at Twitter dot com removed the site’s archive. We lost a cornerstone of internet culture when we lost Vine in 2017.
Gay fucking shit vine how to#
Posted By Dylan Austin on in Life, ThoughtsĪs a society, we need to bring back Vine… and I know how to get it done.